American Realtor No Match For Canny Scot On Mobility Scooter

November 15 2011

Joseph McCluskey, aged 74, is a charming and witty Scotsman from Ayr – ‘Rabbie Burns Country’ – and has lived in ‘The Village’, Pattaya, since he retired from teaching.

He admits at his age obviously his faculties have waned a bit. He has Parkinson’s disease, sometimes gets anxiety attacks, and uses a mobility scooter to take his mongrel dog ‘Milis’ (Gaelic for sweet) for walks.  But life’s good when he is not being advised by so called foreign ‘local property and legal experts’.

Joe with Milis
‘Don’t worry. I’ll make your worries go away,’ comforted American Drew Noyes after he was brought to PAPPA Co Ltd, in Thepprasit Road, Jomtien, said Joe.

Joe had read in Noyes’ ‘Pattaya Times’ that it was illegal to hold a house in a company name  in Thailand, just as he had done, and that the authorities were planning a widespread investigation and clampdown. He had a panic attack with visions of being made homeless.

It’s easy to see how a reports and scare stories like this can worry a man of Joe’s age, particularly prone as he is to those anxiety periods, even though his paperwork was in order and he paid his taxes on time.

But how was he to know that the Pattaya Times is not so much a newspaper but a vehicle for Noyes’ self promotion and property and legal businesses and to get him into city hall?
He had just picked up a paper which was left lying around. But it prompted him to go and visit the man who describes himself as the most ‘credible and re-assuring professional foreigner’ Thailand has ever seen. Enter Drew Noyes who assessed the situation as quick as a flash.


‘I’ll give you 200,000,” said Noyes
Said Joe: ‘Mr. Noyes asked if he could come and look at my house and I let him. He took a look around and said. ‘Don’t worry. I just happen to have a company available which we can put the house into and it will be perfectly safe until the end of your life’.

‘Then he said: ‘What’s more we will even give you cash as well – 200,000 baht. It would be more, but the house, well its 20 years old isn’t?  It also needs a bit of attention”.

Joseph McCluskey, perhaps a little put out by Noyes descripition of his home away from home, was a little cannier than Noyes took him for and he sent Pattaya’s ‘most credible and reassuring professional’ packing with a wave of his crummock. 

Well, actually he did not have his crummock to hand. But had he been Glaswegian he might have said something like ‘Get tae f**k!’ 

As it was Joe politely said ‘thanks but no thanks’ thinking to himself as he said ‘what sort of (neap) turnip does this man think I am.’

Not surprisingly Joe did not like the odds. With easy access to everywhere in Pattaya his 3-bedroomed terraced house of the city’s Third Road should be worth at least 2.6 million baht.
And if he were to read any more issues of the Pattaya Times he would hear even that value is going to multiply three fold as Pattaya becomes the next Asean hub.

But, more seriously, because if we start believing the Pattaya Times now we way as well check into Craig Dunain*, if Noyes is reduced to chasing senior citizens like this, just how much further is he prepared to go? We already know about his dealings in Thailand’s housing for the poor.
As for that ‘company’ that he had prepared, well regulars on this site will already know what happened when Noyes sold an American couple a company.

I had been talking onto the phone to Joe two or three times over a month or so and,  as I was in Pattaya on other business,  I thought I would drop by and see him.  And what a pleasure it was.  I left him cheerily heading down the road on his mobility vehicle with Milis in the lead.

My business was in city hall with regard to the ‘Richard Haughton’ fiasco (see last story) and lo and behold whom should I see but Drew Noyes himself, together with his inseparable friend Niels Colov, boss of the ‘Pattaya People’ , former President of the Pattaya-Jomtien Rotary Club, property and legal expert, former pimp, and Knight of Rizal.
Both were nodding knowingly along to a speech (in Thai of course) on what Pattaya was doing for flood victims in Bangkok. It was clearly a meeting to be seen at.

Colov and Noyes – nodding and texting
I half expected him to be offering some of those canoes he keeps at his house in Jomtien Soi 11 (pictured below) but no The Noyes just sat their nodding his approval to statements made from the Mayor without having a clue as to what they were.
I did not have time to talk to Noyes as I had to attend a meeting downstairs in the Consumer Protection Department.  Besides Noyes was due out the following day on the ‘Sexpats Shuttle’ to Angeles City.

But if readers want to know in whose name Noyes put his own property – well watch this space.

Meanwhile Noyes wife ‘Kung’ will be running PAPPA’S Pensioner Services…that is until Noyes gets back from Fields Avenue, Angeles City, and a meeting with Colov’s friends, the gang from (Northern Thai) NT Realty who have set up a Philippines office.
*Craig Dunain. One of Scotland’s largest mental health establishments situated in the Highlands near Loch Ness.
Pictures: Andrew Chant

31 thoughts on “American Realtor No Match For Canny Scot On Mobility Scooter

  1. I would be grateful if people could keep their comments to the right side of measured criticism. 🙂

    It saves editing

  2. I was dreading the end result of this story but am delighted that Joe could see through this.
    Isnt it time something was done?

  3. Usual pattern of a sociopath, prey on the weak. They actually don't think there is anything wrong with that. Only one thing they never expect, exposure to a level it becomes embarrassing. He may even question why Andrew is writing about him, not understanding it is his work to warn others. Actually that is also the purpose of the Pattaya City Expat Club, to warn other members as they did with a Mister Moo several years ago (forgot the details). But it has been brought to the attention of the present Chairman, who used to be a diplomat, a professional fence sitter. He forget it's his DUTY to instigate an investigation and warn the members. And stop listening to the midget.

  4. Just for starters.pattaya city expats club
    governing document
    Constitution & Rules
    4 (viii) If a Board member lies to the Board or publicly to the Club membership, or deliberately disrupts any business of the Club or Board, indulges in any comparable and serious ‘ungentlemanly conduct’, such as making comments that are deemed racist or being culturally unfriendly towards our host Country and their Government, or the committing of unethical business practices in their own companies, that Board member will then face dismissal.

    7 (vii) Good and bad experiences with merchants and services may be exchanged amongst the membership with information relating to immigration & visas, health, house and car purchase etc shared. Questions and answers among attendees should be encouraged along with the opportunities to meet new friends.

    What's up Expats, the ball is in your court now. Did you know that this document is not secret, you can request one at any time, DO IT and rid Pattaya and your club from parasites.

  5. I'm curious as to what's in this for AD? None of these stories are being published therefore there's no money to be made in writting them. Is it simply a case of ""rain has stopped play""?

  6. Max. If you don't understand now then anything I am going to say is not going to make any difference.
    I am not sure a cricketing expression applies in this case.
    Nevertheless I am carring on with other aspects of my job here regardless.

  7. Max Headroom??? So for you its only about money?? Ever heard ""bad people only succeed when good people do noting""? Your reasoning is the same as Drew Noyes, money. Don't tell me you live in Pattaya also.

  8. I don't get it. Don't the so-called Pattaya elite of well-educated Thais and supposedly likewise foreigners read this site?

    Why are Noyes and Colev still invited to all these events at city hall. Does the city not have a PR person that cares about its image (as in improving it)?

  9. Mike: Its almost a dead certainty that the civic leaders neither read this site, nor the Pattaya Times, People and Mail. But they see pictures of themselves in the papers, assume everything is hunky dory and carry on with their normal business which involves foreigners as little as possible. They feel it is appropriate to invite Editors of foriegn newspapers to functions as they see them as leaders, representatives of the foreign community. Of course nothing could be further from the truth.
    If you are say English would you read for instance the Bangla Express in the UK?

  10. What MaxHeadroom should be curious about is why none of these stories are being published! OK, The Pattaya Times and Sir Neils Colov's esteemed organ will not do so for obvious reasons, but there are at least two other newspapers in Pattaya that are catering for the English speaking community there. Plus Howard Miller's online newspaper (The only one worth reading in my opinion). Also Thaivisa which regularly has threads about the pros and cons of property ownership, but for some reason thinks it is of no interest to their members to be enlightened about these shysters ripping people off to the tune of millions of baht. The ongoing saga of the most credible professional to make Thailand his home and the revelations about the rotarian real estate crooks is surely of enormous interest to residents of Pattaya. Yet not a dicky bird in any of the local English language press. Curious indeed! Thankfully we do have AD and this site. More power to your pen Andrew, and may your ink never run dry.

  11. I have never ever said anything like tis in my life – but Drew Noyes deserves to be #@$%&##@! how many did he con with this in the past?


  12. I heard Niels Colov say that as far as Thai officials and higher-ups are concerned, when it comes to media, ""If it's not in Thai, it doesn't exist."" Before we dismiss the Thais as ignorant provincials, imagine if a scummy Thai the likes of Drew Noyes set up shop in London, published a Thai language newspaper and ripped off his fellow Thais. Of course there is a more robust system of law enforcement in western countries, but beyond that, would society at large give a damn? I think not. On a related note, one can appreciate the genuis of Colov publishing a Thai section of his newspaper, doubtlessly sucking up to local officials.

  13. Wonder how many baht Noyes would offer the canny Scot for his scooter? He's nothing but bad news for Thailand and a sad example of a USA man. (And I'm originally from the USA, so I can say that too).

  14. Andrew

    There must be a nice Daily Mail type feature to be written on Pattaya..The Dodge City of Thailand.

    On a broader topic I'm amazed at how many people leave their brains at the airport in the UK and are scammed in Thailand.

  15. Mike Flynn suggests that you Andrew do a 'Daily Mail ' style feature on Pattaya.
    I have seen articles in the Daily betrayal relating to the selling of retirement properties in Phuket stating that ' full ownership 'was arranged by 'reputable agents' Everything in accordance to Thai law blah, blah , blah!and when questioning the compiler no answer despite my advising so much to the contrary! Did the people have any brains to leave at the airport? The most logical and simplest of questions never seem to be asked by so many! Well done the 'canny Scot' We need more like you!Get your wee doggie to bite the thieving Noyes.

  16. robroy; thaivisa have conflicting commercial interests so they certainly won't publish or encourage comment on colov and drewes.
    teakdoor similar with connections with the pappa law firm.
    subzero are reporting it but mainly from jumping on the 'bitchiness' band wagon against drewes etc. their posts generally are grumpy flames from the usual 24/7 keyboard warriors. they ttack for the sake of attacking but it is good they are supporting andrew by covering the story.

  17. Ned Pflug
    Posted on November 15 2011 at 01:41:40

    ""If it's not in Thai, it doesn't exist.""

    I know for fact that one of AD articles (with the imm. police man) was translated in Thai and presented to the boss at Soi 5. Reportedly he was furious and passed it on. Thais in general don't give a sh!t if it is between Farangs but as soon as they realise that they are somehow involved they will not forget, they just wait for the right time. My fly on the wall told me that NC is planning a move to Angeles City. Drew is currently there with a Pattaya People cameraman. They probably will have their businesses here run by proxies and start all over again, the same way, start a club, join Rotary, start a newspaper and kiss butt with the high ups, but then again this only my opinion.

  18. The tie up with Angeles City for Sir Niels Colov and Drew Noyes is not entirely a sensible one. The murder rate among foreigners engaged in business there is high. In fact it makes Pattaya look safe.

    The excellent Harry the Horse website states in its news section that currently about 10/15 murders of foreigners remain unsolved.

  19. Lee just sing along with me:
    crummock, also spelt cromach, cromak. n. short staff with a crooked head…………..

    A far croonin' is pullin' me away
    As take I wi' my cromak to the road.
    The far Coolins are puttin' love on me
    As step I wi' the sunlight for my load.


    Sure, by Tummel and Loch Rannoch
    And Lochaber I will go.
    By heather tracks wi' heaven in their wiles;
    If it's thinkin' in your inner heart
    Braggart's in my step,
    You've never smelt the tangle o' the Isles.
    O, the far Coolins are puttin' love on me.
    As step I wi' my cromak to the lsles.

    It's by Sheil water and track is to the west.
    By Aillort and by Morar to the sea,
    The cool cresses I am thinkin' o' for pluck,
    And bracken for a wink on Mother knee.

    One learns these things from years of music at school much was which was taken up singing things like 'Step we gaily on we go. Heel for heel and toe for toe.""

    Now just don't ask me to explain what a wink on mother's knee is.

  20. PB: I was thinking that too. I think the NBI in Angelese are aware of NC and in Manila they are aware of DN. Half of them will be queing up for cash the other half will have the cash paid by someone else.

  21. I appreciate that Drew borrows text from the Internet for his paper but it was correct for once, the companies set up to own a house are not totally legit and could be closed at a moment's notice. This is not a scare story, just a fact of life for non-Thai nationals who defy the law.
    I hope Joe does not fall afoul of this in the future.

  22. Jules: You need to keep up to speed. Drew Noyes has variously reported in the Pattaya Times that you cannot and that you can buy a house in a company name. His latest was news was special to Chonburi residents who COULD buy a house under a company name.
    He must have a few to sell.

  23. After all this I thought I would go and buy a Pattaya Times for the first time. Everywhere I go I find the Pattaya People,Pattaya Today and the Mail but nobody has or even heard of the Pattaya Times. Nowhere. Andrew are you sure it actually exists? I looked up there site and 90% is from 6 months ago or longer. Has it folded?

  24. It seems that Drew Noyes is a Neils Colof wannabe. Neils pimps out girls then Drew wants to in Soi 2, Neils starts a law office then Drew Noise wants a law office. Neils has a newspaper and guess what,Drew Noise wants a newspaper, Neils does radio and so does Noise. However Drew doesnt have any real lawyers, his newspaper is a fraud and the TITS radio station never went to air.

  25. Always with an eye for possible upward social mobility in Thailand I see Drew Noyes is is once again sporting his much cherished Pattaya polo shirt at every photo opportunity. This time in Angeles City alongside his mentor 'Sir' Niels Colev he is thrusting his polo shirt at the camera in front of a Manny Pacquiao poster. Naturally, his very own Pattaya Times has published this historic moment. Anybody know if Mr Noyes has actually ridden a polo horse or is that another one of his fantasies.

  26. Spooner: I always thought you were so proud of your research so I hope none of your enemies see this. Neaps is pronounced neeps of course.
    While there are variable spellings this is the Angus Og traditional one as I am sure you will find out.
    Do I try and teach you cockney?

  27. Hi,
    I am Ralph from Dresden in Germany suffering from MS. I can not walk more than 100 m be myself any mote. I will be in in Pattaya at the 2. of February for 3 month. Where can I rent or buy such an electric scooter like Joseph McCluskey has in Pattaya? Recommendation very welcome!

Comments are closed.